Yes, there really is a Master Bait & Tackle

Someone emailed me this week and asked how come I haven't posted any travelogues lately. Uh, it's 'cause I haven't really gone anywhere in awhile. But that doesn't mean I can't reprise a trip from the past. This is my Florida & New York March 2006 jaunt. By the way, I'm thinking of compiling all my travelogues into a book. Does that sound like something you'd be remotely interested in, even if the price is a hefty $2.99 for the Kindle version? Just imagine 200 pages of this malarkey...

The Sunshine Boys hit the road. My writing partner, David and I (only hours away from actually BECOMING the Sunshine Boys) headed for Naples in the sunshine state to do research for our latest ersatz pilot. I then moved on to New York.

We arrived in Ft. Lauderdale then headed across Alligators Alley. Didn’t see any gators but apparently at the first light of day they do come out to the highway. The dumb ones try to cross. The smart ones stand along the side selling tickets to the world famous Sarasota Clown museum.

South Florida has two of my favorite things – great weather and GOOFINESS. If you love Americana, Jimmy Buffet, stone crabs, early bird specials, and spectacular beaches this is the place for you.

Were a studio paying for this trip we would have stayed in Naples. But since it was our own dime, Bonita Beach was our Gateway to the Gulf home. In the 20’s there was this cult, the Koreshans, who believed that Bonita Beach was the center of the world. They were a celibate tribe so unfortunately no longer exist. (Darwin works) Just a state park in their honor. And if I’m not mistaken, the Hampton Inn we were staying at is at the center of Bonita Beach, and room 229 just to our left is the absolute DEAD center of the world.”

No wonder the Holiday Inn across the street is proud. Their marquee proclaims “Number one guest rated shower heads.”

Favorite store name (maybe ever): “Master Bait & Tackle Shop” on Bonita Beach Rd. Yes, I purchased t-shirts.

You drive down Whippoorwill Lane and come to an intersection. On the left is a hospice, on the right is a nudist colony.

Everyone here is from somewhere else. A native is someone whose had to renew their Florida driver’s license.

Florida is the home of many fun attractions. Disney World is okay but even better, in Naples, is “Jungle Larry’s Safari”. It’s a seedy zoo with drugged animals. During Hurricane Wilma last year some of the animals escaped. The spider monkeys got into the nearby Athletic club. The club wanted to get rid of them (their membership charter is very specific on qualifications) but you can’t kill monkeys in the city limits. I can almost imagine a rep from the club addressing a city council meeting. “In order to offset the damage of Hurricane Wilma and help our high school majorettes get to this year’s Rose Parade, as a fund raiser we’d like to propose a cookout/monkey shoot.”

Not to be outdone, there is also “Jungle Erv’s Airboat World” – see the everglades mangrove jungle. With gift shop. I’m surprised funeral homes in South Florida don’t have gift shops.

Other local attractions I missed: “Weeki Wachee”, a live mermaid show and the “Dinner Train Theatre” where shows open out of many towns.

Never got to a spring training game. The traffic on US. 41 and I-75 was so bad it would have been faster to drive to Scottsdale, Arizona than Ft. Myers.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Wilma, all the palm trees in the area tilt south. As do some of the people.

Forget the cost of homes. Dockmaniums, to store your boat cost $200,000. Used to be free.

South of Naples you get into DELIVERANCE country. Everglade City. In the 80’s it was the hub of a huge marijuana smuggling business. Eventually they were busted and 80% of the men in the town were indicted and sent off to prison. Well, now they’re back and very bitter. It’s a rough town. DEADWOOD with shrimp boats. It’s the only town with a mayor with a mullet. Not the place for David and I to go to for lunch and ask which theatre is showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Big Collier County museum attraction: an old tank just sitting on the lawn. What makes it such a unique attraction is that it has a parking space.

There’s a guy in Naples who looks like he’s right out of the SOPRANOS named Johnny. Since he has an auto repair shop on the same street as a hospital he calls himself “Doctor Johnny”. His local commercials feature him in scrubs standing over a sick engine barking out orders to a buxom nurse. “Nusre, wrench! Stat!” Johnny’s other job is city councilman.

Naples has a bandshell but no concerts because of noise restrictions.

This is a big Republican area. Billboard spotted: a cute baby with the words “Please don’t abort me.” Excuse me, but HOLY SHIT!!!

And under construction nearby is a whole new town funded by pizza czar Tom Monaghan, to be named Ava Maria. Center of the town will be a Catholic University (are you picking up the theme here?) that will proudly feature the largest crucifix in America. Jungle Jesus’ Church Tour.

I spotted a Confederate flag bumper sticker that read: “Heritage not Hate”. Why not just “Oktoberfest not Holocaust”?

They love their festivals in S/W Florida. Among them is the wine festival, the harvest festival (who will be this year’s Miss Vegetable?), and my favorite -- the Swamp Buggy Festival featuring the “Mile ‘o Mud” race, and the Swamp Buggy Queen. One lovely tradition is that once she’s crowned she’s then thrown in the mud.

Best restaurant in Ft. Myers – Cru.

Did not personally see the dreaded Skunk Ape, but a local resident claims this creature does exist and coincidentally resides on his property. He even has a blurred video. He’s hoping to attract tourism. Jungle Larry in incensed.

There are 103 golf courses in Naples area. Only 8 are public courses. If your ball goes into the rough just leave it. The Skunk-ape might get ya.

Visited a good friend who lives in Gulf Harbour, near Ft. Myers. Gorgeous gated community. There’s one house that has it’s own casino. Amazingly it’s not owned by an Indian.

Drove back over Alligator Alley. I knew I was in Miami when I saw my first driverless Cadillac on the road.

Stayed in Ft. Lauderdale next to the “Fishing Hall of Fame”. This actually exists. Who are the inductees? The Old Man from OLD MAN IN THE SEA? Ted Williams? Captain Ahab? The crew from PERFECT STORM?

On Thursday David returned home and I flew to New York to continue work on the musical I’m co-writing. The flight was like being trapped in a Haddassah meeting. “Morty, here, I brought some Craisins for the trip.” “I’m not hungry.” “Eat something or you’re gonna have gas!!”

It was 85 degrees in Florida, 40 in New York.

Stayed at the Hotel Wales on the Upper East Side. It was the smallest room I’ve ever had. Too bad I was alone. I could have easily qualified for membership in the Mile High Club.

Around the corner was Woody Allen’s place. I left a note saying the next time he goes to London to film a movie I’d be happy to house sit and baby sit Soon-Yi.

I was the only person in Manhattan with a non-spray tan.

Saw JERSEY BOYS, the story of the Four Seasons. Not your typical Broadway crowd. Every goomba of New Jersey was in the audience. There must’ve been 100 women named Carmella. I thought I saw Dr. Johnny from Naples. The show was SPECTACULAR. It was so good that after twenty minutes I stopped fearing for my life. JERSEY BOYS will win every Tony Award there is…or next year there will be a lot of missing Tony voters.

Friday was St. Patrick’s Day. 40 degrees is not ideal weather for wearing kilts. I do hope that guy was going to the parade. Because of all the celebrating rowdy drunks needing rides it was impossible to get a taxi…from 10 AM on.

I met Phoebe Cates and she was gorgeous. How nice to see someone I’ve had a crush on for twenty years and not go “GAAAAA!”

I’d have to classify this trip as productive. I got a lot of work done, saw a terrific show. My only regret is seeing JERSEY BOYS the night before I met Phoebe Cates. I so wish I didn’t sing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” to her in the middle of Madison Avenue.

What was the problem with Sara Gilbert?

What better way to begin October than with Friday questions?

WilliamJansen starts us off.

You have written about how Frasier, Lilith and Bulldog all started out as minor characters with a finite time-span on the series, but advanced to full cast-membership because they were so successful.


Did you ever have a minor character, that you wanted to advance to full membership of the cast, but it didn't work out? If so; which characters and why didn't it work out?

It seems they do that on BIG BANG THEORY. They’ll introduce a character like Sara Gilbert, have her in four or five episodes and decide it’s not happening and she’s gone.

Sometimes a guest actor will create a character that goes through the roof but is such a strong presence that producers wisely sense a little goes a long way. So instead of making him a regular they’ll bring him back once a season. That’s what we did with Edward Winter’s hilarious Colonel Flagg on MASH. And on FRASIER they sparingly used Harriet Harris as agent “Bebe Glazer” but whenever they did she absolutely stole the show. 

Actually I don’t know what was wrong with Sara Gilbert on BIG BANG THEORY. I thought she was funny.


Kirk Jusko has a question:

Have you ever written for, or have been asked to write for, or have tried to write for, Mad magazine?


No, but as a kid I LOVED Mad magazine. I wanted to be both a writer and artist for Mad. I always thought that would be the greatest working environment EVER. Imagine being surrounded by people even funnier and more mentally disturbed than me! Now that’s heaven!

I never applied (never knew how to apply) but would have loved it.  One of my great thrills as a writer is that when Mad did its parody of MASH they used one of our episodes to lampoon.  So if I couldn't work for Mad at least I was insulted by them. 

From Carson Clark:

Ken, I'd love to see you plot out the time frame of a television season. When does the writing start? When do the actors show up? Do you get a kid in school sized Christmas break?

In very general terms, the writing staff will usually converge right after Memorial Day.  They'll spend the early summer breaking stories and preparing scripts.  Production begins late July or the beginning of August.  There are built in hiatuse weeks for the actors that vary from show to show.   On multi-camera series they generally come after every third or fourth episode.  On MASH we  had week long hiatuses after seven or eight episodes.

I stress that these are production hiatuses.  Actors are off but not writers.  We take those weeks to desperately try to catch up.  Dave Hackel, the showrunner of BECKER used to fine any actor who says to a writer "So where did you go during the hiatus?"   The answer:  While the actor was in Hawaii the writer was in the fucking office for sixteen hours a day!!

If you're a first-year show you hold your breath that you'll get picked up for the back nine.  That comes around the beginning of November.  

Thanksgiving is really the first break for the writing staff.  And then a week or two the end of the year for Christmas when the show shuts down for the holidays. 

Then the big crunch.  From the first of the year until the end of March or beginning of April you churn out shows with little or no breaks.  By the last month you're generally on fumes.

Once the show wraps for the year the showrunner still has a few weeks of supervising post production on the last few episodes.  And generally he's done by the end of April.   A week in St. Johns Hospital and then he's ready to go to Hawaii.

If his show is a big hit he can relax for two months.  But if his show is on the bubble then in early May he has to go to New York to lobby for his show's pick up for the next season.   Then it's home, another week at St. Johns and maybe a nice long weekend in Santa Barbara before the cycle begins again. 

And finally, from Jose:

Do tv writers typically get paid weekly, bi-weekly, or?

this is for a small beat in my 30 Rock spec.

i didn't know how to look this up. thanks

Usually staff writers get paid by the show (and it's all shows PRODUCED not ordered).  The pay schedule varies but usually it's every couple of weeks.  That said, I'm probably still owed money from THE JEFFERSONS.

What's your question?