How NOT to give notes (part 1, even though part 2 was yesterday)

This was supposed to be part one of a two part article until I screwed up the timer. If you think I'm bad with programming a blog you should see me on heavy machinery. Anyway, the other part was yesterday and yesterday's is today.

This is a post for executives, studios, networks, pod producers, critics, D-girls, professors, wives – anyone who gives script notes. How you present notes is often as important or more important than the notes themselves. There are times when the messenger should be killed. Here are some do-nots when delivering notes. And there are enough of them that this is a two-day article.

First, understand that we writers hate notes. We begrudgingly do realize that they’re sometimes helpful and under the influence of Ethanol will admit they can improve a script, but we hate them. You’re going to get much better results if you present them in a respectful way.

Try to say some nice things about the script first, even if you have to be creative, even if you have to lie. Again, it’s about respect – real or otherwise. And try to make the compliments credible. We can see through, “really nice font” or “we’re generally very happy”.

Don’t lead us on. Don’t say, “I just have a couple of little things” and then bombard us with an hour of notes.

If there is a group of you, consolidate and assign one person to give the notes. I said we hate notes. That’s nothing compared to how much we hate being gangbanged. We once had a notes session with twenty executives – and it was a conference call. Twenty voices all yammering at once, all offering conflicting notes, arguing with each other. We heard nothing. So we did nothing. We did whatever we wanted and turned it in. They were happy. I guess they assumed that whatever we did we were addressing someone’s note even if they didn’t remember it being given. Pick your best guy. Distill all the notes into one coherent presentation.

Don’t use the expression “this bumped me” before giving a note. It bumps me more that you say that. Do they teach a “suit slang” class at Bennington now?

Don’t say, “Sure, it’s funny but…” Do you have any idea how hard it is to MAKE something funny? You can convey your point without dismissing the key component of a comedy script.

Be specific. This is a big one. It’s hard enough to satisfy your concerns without having to hire a Navajo translator or psychic to help decipher them.

There was a network executive we dealt with for years. Very smart, excellent programmer, and a good guy. I’m very fond of him personally. But he gave the worst most obtuse pilots notes on the planet. Here are some examples.

He’d say “this script is here” and hold up his hand, then raise his hand higher and say, “but I want it here”. And that would be his only note. What the fuck?!

He’d say, “this script has the meat and vegetables, I would just like to see what’s for dessert.” Yeah, right. Go off and write that.

This same executive was giving notes on a friend’s pilot and said, “If CHEERS is a place where everybody knows your name, then your place is…?” My friend answered, “Well, gee, we haven’t written the title song yet.”

I know it’s tough when something bothers you and you can’t put your finger on it but try as best you can to be specific.

Tomorrow: Friday questions -- Debunking CHEERS myths. Unless I screw up again and schedule it for next Thursday or last Tuesday.

How NOT to give notes

Here are some ways not to give notes. I screwed up and posted part 2 first. The first half of this helpful constructive rant will be posted tomorrow. The point is how not to give notes. Tomorrow will be centered more on network and studio executives.

Think through the ramifications of your notes. Don’t just say, “let’s do this instead”. Your suggestion may solve one immediate problem but screw up everything else that follows. Remember, every story beat, every line has been discussed (usually to death) and is there in that form for a reason. I’m not saying it can’t be improved but take a moment to appreciate the logic process first.

You know what really enrages us? When you ask for something in the script that’s already there. Please read the damn thing. We worked very hard on it. When you hear us respond to one of your notes by saying, “It’s right there on page 8!” know that when we get back to the office you are the target of moron jokes for a week.

Another sensitive area is giving notes on jokes. If they’re notes on a runthrough there is no need for you to point out which jokes didn’t work. We’re trained comedy writers. We can recognize silence.

If it’s just a joke on a page then it gets trickier. You’re making a subjective call. Here is where tact comes in again. A well-known producer with a shocking lack of tact used to challenge the writer when he didn’t like a joke. He’d say, “How is that funny? Explain to me why anyone in the fucking world would laugh at that?” It’s hard to rewrite comedy when your testicles have been removed.

Contrast that to Gene Reynolds when he was producing MASH. He’d merely say, “You might want to take another look at that joke”. That’s all you need, isn’t it?

Don’t – I repeat DON’T ever vote on jokes. Don’t ask for a show of hands among the executives around the table as to whether they liked a particular joke. That’s like us taking a poll as to whether your dick is long enough. And trust me, you don't want to hear the results.

Actors: We writers don’t take kindly to you throwing the script on the floor and yelling that it’s “shit”! Call us over-sensitive. You can go over to us and say, “I’m having a little trouble with this.” That we’ll listen to. “I could use a little help here”. We’ll respond positively to that too.

But “My character wouldn’t say that” – we hate that a thousand times more than “this bumps me”. An actor once said that to producer Steven Bochco. He said to the actor, "Maybe your character wouldn't say that, but he's not your character, he's my character, and he's saying it right here." He pointed to the script.

Nick Collasanto (the Coach on CHEERS) was the smartest actor I’ve ever worked with when it came to giving writers notes. He would always start off by saying, “I’m happy to do it just the way you have it here, but…” and then he’d go on and express his concern. The fact that he said he’d do it as written we ALWAYS changed it to his satisfaction.

Dear actors, think of us as collaborators not mules.

Again, it all boils down to respect. It may not look it but we put a lot of time and effort into these scripts. In some cases we pour out our hearts and souls (not so much on episodic but still). And even though we don’t like them, we appreciate thoughtful notes and only want the script to get better. If you present your notes well I can almost guarantee that we’ll take the script from here to here… or at least here.